living in america

November 28th, 2008 | Uncategorized | 4 comments

i was already writing earlier and i let my husband read it and he said i sounded like an ungrateful bitch so i erased all of it and now im starting a new one…

i have been here for over a year now and sometimes i still feel that i have not gotten used to it. first of all, i think America or living and working in America for pinoys are overrated. They think that if your paychecks come in dollars you’ve got it made, if you bought a car they think you’re rich now. I said that it is overrated because that is not the case at all.

Living in America has it’s good and not so good sides. The not so good part, well you’re away from your family, people and things you love. If you like eating rice and pinoy foods like everyday, well if you’re like me who doesnt know how to cook and who’s now only starting to drive eating here is not as pleasurable. And you have to have good credit history before you can get a car, or a credit card or even a phone. If you’re new here and doesnt have credit history yet you have to build it up…so utang lang utang. And lastly, as i mentioned earlier, people back home think you’re richy rich now because you’re earning dollars…they have high expectations from you now…what they keep forgetting is that you earn dollars here but you spend dollars here too…and it’s not cheap to live here either. the cost of living is high too. stupid example…if you buy a mcdonald’s meal here (that doesnt have rice!), it’s gonna cost you like $6 bucks…if you convert that to philippine peso, that would be P282!

The good side? Well America will help you have a life. All you have to do is work your ass off and you can get anything you want. Almost everybody back home thinks that I was able to buy my own car now that I am rich now. The truth is having a vehicle here is a NECESSITY…it is not a luxury. You wouldnt be able to do a thing if you dont have a car. Everybody here drives. It’s good because it gives you freedom and teaches you independence. Another good side is everybody works here…old, young, semi old like me…everybody…when they say that America is “the land of opportunity” they were not shitting. And because of that everybody is not dependent on anybody at all. And it doesnt matter if you have a college degree or not…all that matters is if you can do the job and if you’re hardworking.

Now, let’s talk about shopping…whoa where do I begin? Shopping here is unstoppable…you really have to watch your money because unlike in the Philippines where you can only buy 1 or 2 items at a time (except ofcourse if you’re like Kris Aquino or something) and then after that all the money youve got left is pamasahe pauwi, here you can afford everything. As in. Sky is the limit. Nakakabaliw. And what’s more good about it, you get rewarded by shopping..so it’s true that america is the land of the free purchase…say for example i buy from gap or banana republic, after a week i will get a card from them saying that i will have 30% next time i shop from them…or say i buy from sephora (which i always do), i will get like 6 free samples of their best products like dior, murad, philosophy…it is always like that.you can shop youre heart out and still have enough money left to put into your savings and send to your family. Isn’t that a dream?

What i dont get it is why we cant do all that back home. I know there is no comparison at all between America and the Philippines but most of the people i work with and have worked with only have highschool diplomas. And most of the Filipinos I know have college degrees and are really smart. I am not saying that Americans are stupid (though they are really bad in spelling, it’s unbelievable) but we can do better than them i can tell you that right now. Believe me i have worked with Americans for a year now and I can tell you we can match what they can do and even surpass it. Filipinos are hardworking, resourceful and never says no to a hard and complex job. Americans would.I have seen how they work and how they operate and I know how filipinos are because i am a filipino…but the mind boggling question is if i am a college graduate and i can match  what these americans can do and if all my friends almost all the people i know are college graduates why are we all here in america and not home?

I’m not saying that Im not grateful for being here because I am…I really am. But if we are so much smarter and have college degrees why cant we do so much better? Living here made me realize that America is nice and it’s goverment allows you to live a good life but the Philippines is so much more beautiful and has so much culture, you can even see it in our food! There is nothing here that we dont have back home..America is dry (or where im at! :-)) What americans can do we can do too and so much more so why are there a lot of filipinos leaving their country to work for another country?

homerun

September 24th, 2006 | Uncategorized | 1 comment

i am really a voracious reader. i read everything! from newspapers to tabloids, magazines, digests, paperbacks, hardbound novels, you name it…and most of the time i read on things that touched me, things that repulsed me, stuff that made me happy & sad, stories that i want to happen to me or some that i dont, stories that changed my outlook in life, things that happened to me or the similarity of it. but nothing has ever really hit home more than this book…"CAUSE CELEB" by helen fielding. when i read it, it was like she was writing about me. it may sound corny but i felt like i was reading about myself, like all the heartbreak that came from a relationship gone bad flashed before me.

well here are some excerpts…

…for the first time since i had met him, i began to believe life was possible without him; that it might be nicer even. previously i had begun to fear that there was something secret & horrible about me which i didnt understand. that would explain why sometimes he was nice to me & loved me & sometimes he didnt want me at all & was vile & distant.

…it was stop, go, stop, go. i’d just start to get my teeth into the pain of really breaking up & he’d turn up & offer to stop the pain. i should have just walked away but i couldnt release myself.

if only your mind was washable. there have been so many times since then when i have wanted to lift off the top of my head, like the top of a boiled egg, take out my brain & rinse it under the tap like a dirty sponge, squeezing it over & over again until the water ran clear. then i would take the hosepipe & flush out my empty head with it, getting out all the gunge, pop the nice clean brain back in, give the top of the head a bit of a hose around & pop that back into. then i would not be sad anymore, not hurt, not disillusioned but clean, naive & jolly again.

…it was a mad familiar dance where he would duck & dive & twirl, hold his fluctuating feelings above my head, drop them near my hand & whisk them out of reach. what was i doing? trying to pass or fail? as if the way he felt had anything to do with what i was worth. as if love was something you earned like a merit star & if i followed every single instruction in every single magazine that month…, never crowded him, always supported him yet was a self-sufficient person in my own right, he might decide he was inlove with me rather than just having fallen for me even if he didnt exactly altogether love me.

…i disengaged myself from him as coldly as he had disengaged himself from me so many times. "you think you can turn me on & off like a tap. when you need me, im there. when you dont want me thats fine. i’ll still be there the next time."

…the relationship limped on for awhile, but it was no good. once the scales had fallen from my eyes, it couldnt work. the whole thing had been based on my desire to win him, which made all his inconsistencies & cruelties seem like obstacles to be overcome rather than the unappealing flaws which now stared me in the face. i was horrified at my own coldness of heart. had i been in a less extreme mood perhaps then i would have thought harder about love, about how it means taking the whole package, good & bad. how it had been my fault too, for letting our peculiar dance begin & continue as it had without standing up to him before. but everything looked black & white to me now.

…what was i to do? i felt as though the whole platform on which i had been building my life was crumbling away. i had thought that finding the sort of consuming passion i had found with him was the answer to everything…but instead, i was swimming around in air & nothingness. i couldnt find anything to put my foot on.

…he explained about the weakness of my character, how i had made him feel trapped, pressured because i loved him too much. how i was superficial, silly, looked at the world through rose-tinted spectacles, how i had ruined his life with my unwanted presence, how it had been my fault for not being stronger. then there were the others, extolling my virtues, telling me of all the things i had awoken in him..eventually he stopped.

the relief was overwhelming at first. it was wonderful to be quiet & alone, to get on with my life. but still, i was very sad because i had lost my belief in love & in myself. the fact that i had eventually swung the seesaw with him didnt help. what was the point of love if it was a game of see-who-cares-less, if it was such a ridiculous carry-on? what was the point of me, if i allowed my whole life to center on it then mucked it up?

at times, i got relief by turning him into a monster in my head. maybe there are just men like that in the world, i thought. men who have to be in charge, men who have to punish those who awaken feelings in them which they cannot control. men who will lure you with tenderness till you believe you are safe, then slap you down. men whom it is impossible for anyone to love without losing their dignities. men who have to damage those who love them most. but then i had fallen inlove with one, so what did that make me?